My ocean…

I remember first hearing the song “OCEANS”at church.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

And there I find you in the mystery

In oceans deep my faith will stand

I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the waves.

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace.

For I am yours and you are mine.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.

I didn’t know then, that this would become my theme song!

 A week before leaving for Kenya, a friend texted me with the message, “are you watching the news?” Immediately my heart sank. I knew it could only mean bad news. With one click of my mouse I read the reports of young people, Kenyan university students who were being mercilously murdered…(especially those who proclaimed to be Christians). I fell to the floor and wept, partly at the horror of this evil and partly at the fear that this raised in me.

Of course, after 13 years of considering returning to Kenya, the week I’m supposed to fly there, there is a horrific terrorist attack. I had already been paralyzed with fear for so long. Now my fear of sickness was just intensified with a fear of violence and danger.  I prayed for God to make a way out.  But deep deep down I knew He didn’t want this to be the end of my story.  “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me  walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.”

“PAIN has a way of clipping your wings and keeping us from being able to fly.” – The Shack.

I knew God wanted me to fly. He WANTS YOU TO FLY.

When oceans are rising and we’re really struggling with keeping our eyes above the waves – He is there, calling us.

In my captivity of fear, friends and family emailed, called, texted, and flooded me with encouragement and reminders of truth. God was in this, He was with me, the fear was not from Him.  There was a full on war in my mind.  I remembered hearing a speaker once say “the enemy comes to take courage out- DIS-COURAGE. Being faithful doesn’t mean the absence of fear….it means we have just a little more faith than fear.”

That’s all I had: just a tiny bit more faith than fear. Maybe that’s all you have too.

And so, on the faith of others, I got on that plane with my friend Jenn. I had printed out the verses that many had sent me and meditated on them for the duration of the flights and the line “your sovereign hand will be my guide” rang through my mind.

Landing in Nairobi, I could sense the tension and grief, and fear among the people as we passed through. I’m imagining it was similar to how New York may have felt the week after 9/11. Grief, disbelief, uncertainty, fear: what would happen next?

I was looking forward to getting to the village. I breathed a sigh of relief as we watched the tall buildings and streets lined with pedestrians be replaced by mud huts, and lush green acres of land, and open space.  I was going to a refuge.

Just when I was beginning to exhale, my missionary friend Juli explained that the statistics we read in the news were closer to home  than we thought. Though the attack was eight hours away, one of her neighbors, a young boy named Gideon was tragically one of the victims. He had been a sophomore. The first in his family to attend university. I can only imagine the sacrifices his family had made to send him and how hard he had worked to get there. Only the most diligent students have the opportunity to attend university. His life had been cut short and now the body was being transported back to our village, for his family to bury him on their compound. They were to arrive on Monday for the funeral. It took my breath away.

My own sin and selfishness grieved my heart. I was so worried about what could happen for me that I hardly grieved for the mamas, and sisters, and brothers who were grieving the REALITY of a loss of their loved one.

Part of the culture here is that as a visitor you have to be ready at any moment to give a speech, or testimony, or preach a sermon.  And so, when Juli’s husband asked me if I’d be willing to preach at their church that Sunday I shouldn’t have been surprised.  But my heart sank.  How could I preach in Gideon’s family’s church when this tragedy had just occurred? “What am I supposed to say? What in the world do I have to offer? Please, God make a way out.” And then I sensed  a phrase very clearly in my mind.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TO FEAR.

Fear was plaguing the minds of many in Kenya, I had tasted that fear too.

And so, I called upon HIS name and asked the spirit of the great Comforter, the only truth, the one who knew what it was to watch his son be murdered, I asked by HIs grace, for Him to speak through me.  God allowed me to  look in the eyes of my brothers and sisters, and together we cried at the pain of this earth and reminded each other that God SEES us. He knows us. He is WITH us. And when fear creeps up and tries to control our minds, we have words of truth to combat the lies of the evil one.   I was reminded of one of our family’s favorite verses of promise: “Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10. No matter the storms we face,  from this life to eternity we are offered LIFE WITH HIM.

I saw God give purpose to my brokenness. As He often does, he turned my fear and pain into an opportunity for ministry -to relate with others in His family. AND more than anything, spending time with those beautiful friends that day, we realized we a were more similar than different.  We were all clinging to Jesus.  He was there.

And “there I found him in the mystery. In oceans deep {because of HIM}, my faith will stand.”