Last Friday was Apple Day in kindergarten. When the yellow parent volunteer sheet came home I signed up right away. If there was a big day for my kid- I want to be there. (Our intentions are so good right?)
But then -life, and overcommitting myself, and trying to get the groove in my new job and schedule. And “Apple Day Eve” it was made clear that I needed to work instead of going to Apple Day. So I sat down with my blue-eyed beauty and explained that mommy wasn’t going to be able to come after all, and that I was so sorry. She was quiet for awhile and then said, “I’m afraid I’ll be sad when I see the other moms…. but it’s ok, mom.”
Dagger!
I swallowed hard, then reassured her I would be in her class for the next event (WHICH I ADDED TO MY CALENDAR IN CAPITAL, BOLD LETTERS). And then the inner dialogue began. “What kind of mother are you? How could you choose work over your daughter’s big day? You won’t get this opportunity back. Are you choosing your work over her? ” And so on and so on and so on…
Mommy guilt. The struggle is real. And sisters, WE AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR THIS. It’s destroying us.
I’ve been in conversations with many different mamas the past couple weeks and in listening I’ve noticed a common thread: Mommy GUILT. These are moms I admire with good kids. But I’m discovering they struggle with guilt as much as I do. One mom who has grown kids mentioned she regrets the moments she “missed” when her son was little. A mom of a newborn commented on the struggle she feels when she needs to make dinner, but it means putting the baby down for a few minutes. The stay-at-home mom feels like she should be pursuing her dreams so she can model to her kids how to fulfill their callings. The mom of school aged kids who is working full time feels guilty that she can’t volunteer at her kids’ school.
It’s either we aren’t doing enough, or we’re doing too much. Our inner critic is ruthlessly attacking our soul. Kim Fredrickson, author of “Give Yourself a Break” says…”When our shortcomings and mistakes are met with self-judgment and condemnation, we experience a lack of hope and begin to shut down emotionally.” We experience shame for our guilt and we feel alone – like we’re the only one feeling this way.
Maybe there is power in coming out of that self-condemning darkness and into the light. We are not alone.
Yes, it’s important to prayerfully align our priorities with our lifestyle, re-evaluate often, be committed to GROWTH, and apologize when we make mistakes.
But, sisters can we show ourselves some grace???
I wonder how God our father feels when he hears us berating ourselves. Probably like we do when we hear our precious kids talking down on themselves. “No baby…you are amazing. Yes, you made a mistake, but you are still dearly loved. Don’t believe those lies.” He sings over us Romans 8:1 “Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Isaiah 40:11 says of God- “He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young.”
Let’s be real that none of us are perfect. Really…not even the gal who is “put together” everyday with her four beaming children who stand in age order beside her. She fails her kids too. She struggles with the same questions you and I do.
Let’s thank our moms for doing the best they could with us.
Let’s celebrate the victories in our mothering and cheer for each other.
Because here’s the raw truth: you were chosen to be mom of your specific kids. We will all make mistakes. But they’re gonna turn out alright..
We’ll give our best and then have a savings fund ready for our kids’ therapy funds when they need it.
I see you. You’re loving well. You’re doing the best you can with what’s before you.
Let your Heavenly Father remind you that you are dearly loved in your imperfection and your not done growing.
And at the end of the day you can hang your hat on this : you’re a good mom.
–Alyssa
Alyssa I love this! You speak such truth and wisdom. In our mess ups we can also give our children a huge gift…depending on how we handle it. Your daughter has a chance to learn how to handle a disappointment and still be ok. She has a chance to know that her Mom isn’t perfect, so maybe she doesn’t have to be either. She has a chance to experience that she can be profoundly loved even when Mom misses an event. She has a chance to watch her Mom show compassion to herself after messing up…so maybe she can too.
I recently did a facetime talk to a group of Moms via facetime called Self-Compassion for Moms. Here’s the link if any of you would like to watch it or listen while doing other things. I have a handout too, but I’m not sure how to share that… https://youtu.be/T7bllprQw6U
Blessings on you dear Moms, and Blessings to you Alyssa for sharing your wise and vulnerable post!
Kim….
Your words are like gold. YOUR wisdom was what influenced me to write this post. I am learning from you! 🙂
Can I put this facetime link on our Revealing the Story Facebook page as well? I’ve had a lot of people ask me about your book today. Can’t wait for your personalized guest post too!!! Thank you.
Alyssa…I would be honored. I’ll get you that post by next week 🙂
Thank you for this encouragement! It is so timely! Just yesterday I struggled with mama-guilt over missing my son’s kindergarten pumpkin patch field trip. I had to be at work and yet I didn’t want to miss out on his special day! We Mamas wear so many hats and need refreshment (as in those verses you sited!) and discernment in how we invest our time. Thank you for the reminder that we need to support one another and give ourselves grace!
A to the MEN! We are doing the best we can with who we are given to parent, love, and raise. Grace upon grace. You speak with wisdom and share with permission. Love your heart, and cheers to walking alongside one another, turning our backs on “mommy guilt”, and facing freedom to authentically embrace these little people in the midst of responsibilities and work. xoxo
Thank you for the much needed reminder of letting go of guilt and doing our best! I too am reading Kim’s book and sometimes seeing the cover with the words, “Give Yourself a Break,” are enough to remind me to take a deep breath and just “be.” Alyssa, you articulated well how many of us feel caught between demands. It’s okay to not be all things to all people. It is, after all, impossible!
I couldn’t resist commenting. Very well written!