Category: Miscellaneous (Page 1 of 2)

Do you feel it? Melancholy setting in?

We are five weeks in to the “shelter- in- place” aspect of the pandemic. The initial adrenaline of change, being awarded “staycations” with no school and simplified calendars is tapering.

The perceived “snow day” is actually a winter and we’re bracing for a long haul.

Most days I’m pretty good at being an optimist, but the honeymoon is wearing off.

Here we sit in that “middle” space. We don’t know when this will end, or even when restrictions will be lifted. The rates of related deaths rise and we start to put faces to the numbers. We await reports from our government leaders only to find ourselves more confused by their speeches and lost in the abyss of the unknown future.

Our family watched the movie “Groundhog day” a couple weeks ago and it is eerily familiar as I awake this morning ready to “Shelter in place” as we have for the last 40 days. Same song. Same routine. Repeat.

And yet I can’t get this idea out of my head. We have all had “melancholy middles” before -seasons of unknown where we had no idea how things would resolve.

God gently reminds me, He is here with us in the MIDDLE.

“When we’re in the middle of a difficult time, we have to speak against that lie that says, “God is not here.” We have to draw near to God…God answers the mess of life with one word: ‘Grace.’ Those who successfully go through tough times do so because they keep insisting.”

Max lucado

Verses come to mind to battle my despair. I ask myself: “Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your hope in God.”

The Bible is filled with accounts of people who sat in the messy middle, discouraged, and had to REMIND themselves of truth.

“Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has God forgotten to be merciful. Has he in anger withheld his compassion?

Then I thought, To this I will appeal…

I WILL REMEMBER the deeds of the Lord, yes I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.” Your works are wonderful.

Psalm 77:11

Again in Lamentations the author cries out..

“I remember my affliction and my wandering- the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE. Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are NEW every morning great is your faithfulness. “

Lamentations 3:19-23

When we focus on US, on our frustrations, shortcomings, and all the unknowns -we can despair. But hope is found if we focus on HIM. For generations people have called on the Lord and seen Him to be faithful.

We patiently remember.

We look back. We remind ourselves of the middles we’ve found ourselves in before and how now, we have the luxury of looking back to see the story He was writing . We remind ourselves what He has done in our past, and our faith grows for our future.

He is here. Right by us. He is writing our story. We don’t know what the next chapter holds, but we know the author who holds the pen.

WE sit together in the melancholy middle.

Sleep has been difficult these days. As I lay down, my mind races trying to make sense of all there is to process. A few mornings ago, in the wee hours of tossing and turning, a poignant thought struck me: THIS is the season of Lent.

"The purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer for Easter through prayer, doing penance, mortifying the flesh, repentance of sins, almsgiving, and self-denial. " 

This season, 40 days before Easter, where for generations past, people have more intently sought the Lord. Concurrently this season where across the world we’re experiencing a forced fast of sorts: schools, church services, businesses are all closed. Nations are on lockdown: a giving up, a simplifying, interruption to our daily norm.

I wonder about God’s perspective as He looks down on a globe filled with fires of outbreak. And what does He think? Does he mourn at the suffering? I think as a good Father, He does. Does He dream of a new day when there will be no more tears, no more sickness, no more loss? Scripture tells us He does. Does He long for His people to be drawn to Him? I think so. The truth is…with one swoop of a blanket he could snuff the fire and suffocate the flames. But what will be left among the ashes after this fire is put out?

Fires burn, but they also refine. The “refining fire” is talked about through scripture. These fires purify- burn away the dross and the dead, and leave a cleaner, purified new life.

 And I will put this third into the fire,
    and refine them as one refines silver...
They will call upon my name,
    and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘They are my people’;
    and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” Zechariah 13:9

 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Peter 1:7

The timing seems interesting. The scope of the whole world experiencing this at the same time is mind-blowing. I do have to wonder: where is God wanting to refine us, our families, our society at large? Where can we apply the ancient spiritual disciplines of Lent to pray, to confess our sins (both personally and corporately), to give, to seek the Lord more intently?

In this “refining fire” I am noticing my own sin: selfishness, irritability, the desire to control, my love of schedules & routines, finding identity in my work and relationships. I want that to be burned away and come out of this a little more refined. How about you? What is rising to the surface?

The truth is…Easter will come. There will be a day where this is all a strange memory and we’ll be reminded of NEW LIFE, and we’ll return to our “normal” lives. I guess I’m wanting to return different, changed, transformed, a little more refined from walking through this fire. How about you?

Wow, friends. We are “in the middle” of unprecedented times right now, aren’t we? “Coronapocalypse 2020” as my husband calls it. It’s been a few weeks now and across the world we are ALL adjusting, grieving disappointments, recalibrating, social distancing, and trying to make sense of it all. In the dark corners fear, sickness, isolation, selfishness, and confusion rise and we live day to day wondering what will happen next.

A few weeks ago, before this reality, I was out for my early morning routine walk. It’s become a habit to rise before my kids (and often before the sun), throw on a pair of tennis shoes and circle the neighborhood praying for the day and my loved ones. In the cool morning air I walked, and somehow life seemed a little quieter that day. Keeping a brisk pace I listen to the birds chirp and watched the sun rise over the trees.

Approaching a familiar street corner, my eye was drawn to a bright yellow splash of color ahead. The morning rays of the sun almost created a spotlight on this one particular sunflower demanding my attention.

It was early February, definitely not sunflower season, and there amidst the brown, dead leaves and vines (who had gone dormant for winter) rose this skinny, valiant sunflower showing off it’s happy, yellow glow. It was strangely out of place. I knew for a moment I needed to take this image in. These verses came to mind…

"The Sovereign Lord is one me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor...to comfort all who mourn..to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes." Isaiah 61:1-3

"The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. But I have come that you may have life, and life abundantly." John 10:10

It seems that through this little skinny sunflower God was preemptively trying to teach me a lesson. It is certainly easy to be overwhelmed by the heartache and difficulties around us. But amidst it all- there is beauty. He is creating LIFE from death, He is the artist of all that is beautiful.

Unexpected beauty. Psychologists are saying that gratitude is the best antidote to fear. How do we train our eyes to look for His handiwork around us, His beauty and be grateful?

Yesterday, we had our kids participate in this exercise in gratitude. I was amazed to see what our 9 year old daughter wrote.

Though it seems like we’re surrounded by sickness, darkness, and fear- there is hidden beauty if we “put on a new pair of glasses.” It’s in the birds chirping, oblivious that the human race is caught up in such a time. It’s in the rain that replenishes the dry ground and causes new life to sprout. It’s in the laughter of resilient, creative children stuck at home another day. It’s in stories of people finding ways to serve each other and connect; like the story of the quarantined Italians who opened their windows and joined together in song from their homes of quarantine, or the people who are serving the elderly in our community. These are the ways of God- making all things new and creating unexpected beauty.

Let’s be on the lookout for signs of beauty around us today that we can thank God for. Put on those glasses. It’s evidence that He is in our midst and the story isn’t over yet.

It has been an INSANE few weeks.

You know those “when it rains..it pours” sort of times?  Feels like that.  Dealing with frustrating circumstances of sickness, husband traveling abroad, a broken down vehicle left in L.A., and now my entire tribe of people sick AT THE SAME time with croup or pneumonia. (Yes, I said Pneumonia…For real?! ). Last night my husband and I looked at each other at the end of a long day and said…”Wow. this is pure craziness.”

Anyhow….it was one of those “mama meltdowns” that occurs when frustrations have been building inside of you for awhile. You been there? You try to just stuff ALL THE FEELINGS in efforts to survive and then when everyone least expects it..you start to boil..and like a fourth grade science fair volcano you begin to explode. 

Not proud if it, but that was me. And so..before I hurt too many people, I did what any mom in “I’m- gonna- go- crazy- mode” does. I put on my shoes, jumped in my  borrowed car and drove to Target. (P.s. What IS it about that place for moms?  Whenever you see a lady pushing a cart all by herself, with bloodshot eyes, slowly perusing the aisles in a general fog-like state.. just wink at her and smile cause you  know you’ve been there too).

I regress.

From the street I saw the happy red “you’ve hit the bullseye”  Target sign and turned in.  And like a glowing treasure I saw an open parking space two slots in from the store’s doorway.

“Score!”

But just as I put on my blinker to turn in to my spot my eyes fell upon this…

Right there in MY parking spot…a little bird. Maybe the size of a  sparrow having a great old time in a puddle.  It hadn’t rained in days- and I wondered if that puddle had come from the A/C runoff from a larger car. There was even a little oil glistening off the water. But that little sparrow did.not.care. He just fluttered in that bath, flipped and turned, splashing water all around havin’ a little par-tay. I opened my window to see if I could hear disco music in the background.

And I sat there in the parking lot,  unable to park my car there  because I just couldn’t bring myself to  break up his party.  My thoughts were interrupted by beeping from the car behind me, so I continued on down the row to find a parking space further away.

Of course by the time I walked by that puddle on my way into the store he was gone.

Walking through the aisles of Target I couldn’t get that picture out of my mind.  And I wondered why God had me stop and really take in that silly moment.  And then I realized the significance.

We can either choose to focus on all that’s going wrong and what we DON’T HAVE (the oily puddles of life), OR we can choose to see what we DO have and be grateful.

Gratitude is focusing on what you DO have more than on what you don’t

That little bird had high need for a bath that day and oh- he could’ve surveyed the dry land and  complained about all the options that were just not his ideal. Instead he saw what was before him,  jumped in with  his WHOLE little self and partied in the puddle.

And…though I feel like I’ve EARNED THE RIGHT TO WHINE this month, ( haven’t we all) God is teaching me that in ALL circumstances there is at least a small reason to give thanks and make the most of each day we’ve been given. We are alive, we have our people, gather them close and soak it in.

AS I type this one of my sick sons just spilled a cup of apple juice all over the carpet and the pile of clean clothes on the floor. My first inclination was to scream at him in anger. And then I remembered that two seconds ago I was writing an inspiring note about partying in the puddle and so I smiled at the irony.

It’s not easy.  And there are certainly days to cry and grieve and mourn. There’s purpose there, too.

But today (by the minute) I’m challenged to ask God for a perspective shift. For humor, for lightness, and for the supernatural ability to not take everything so serious and just party a little in my puddle.

Join me.

“Learning to trust takes risking — following God in the face of our fear.”

– Christine Caine, Unashamed

If you came face to face with fear, what would you see?

• A mirror
• Success
• Failure
• Crowds
• Trust
• The Unknown
• Disappointment
• Loneliness
• Rejection
• Shame,

As a recent post-grad (and in general, a human) I deal with fear. Fear has been my suitcase since before I can remember, and as I’ve gotten older, it’s become heavier.  Fear is something we all deal with.

This summer, after graduating college, was one of the hardest, most excruciating few months I have ever lived. I couldn’t even begin to explain the pain, heartache, shame, confusion, disappointment, and especially fear that I lived in…in the midst of wondering what was next.  But I can sit here and write to you without tears pouring from my eyes and tell you God is good and God has been faithful. It’s taken me a long time to get to a place I’m in right now, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the people God has placed throughout my life especially at this specific time .

A few weeks ago I was talking with a dear friend of mine, I had been wanting to purchase A Giving Key but couldn’t think of a word, so I asked her what she thought I should get. One of the things I really love about this friend is that she never actually responds with an answer, but another question.

She just said, “well, what do you need to embrace during this season?”

This season is chaotic, but I didn’t want to choose “peace”, “rest”, “dream”, “fear” or any other typical words, I wanted to get creative this time around. When I looked back through the pages of this season, I realized I was afraid of being afraid. I feared risking anything that could damage what I had going, any thing that could possibly bring me back to the depths of shame. It was during that time of processing, that I discovered the word I needed to be embracing.

RISK.

If you knew me a few years ago, you would know that although I liked to be in control, a bit of a perfectionist, and sometimes a bit of a freak, I also loved the thrill of risk. I love to adventure, travel, create, and sometimes do really stupid things for the heck of a good story or photo. But then this thing called senior year happened. I was working almost full time, going to school full-time, leading a ministry, trying to pay rent, and trying to keep relationships alive. It was exhausting and I was exhausted. I packed that thrill of risk into a box and threw it in the closet to avoid damaging anything I had going. Friends, it’s time for me to start un-boxing risk again, and maybe you as well.

For me the first step in my new life of risk was accepting a job offer in the Bay Area. I am terrified to be leading a middle school ministry, to be looked up to as a pastor would be and in charge of so many small humans. And I will tell you in all honesty, I balled my eyes out the night I got the job offer because of fear and lies the enemy was filling my mind with, because he knows that fear can hold me from doing what God has ultimately offered me.

But I am also stoked, I am excited to be back in a place that has meant so much to me in my life, and a place I truly feel called to be in. This job means moving to a city I have never lived in, working with people I have never worked with, and basically starting over.

One day at a time I am learning to face fear head on. Each day I take one more risk towards trusting God and living a reckless faith for Him.

What are you fearing today? What is holding you back from risking your life to follow Jesus faithfully and radically?

I would love to hear about what words you need to embrace this season of your life, feel free to comment or shoot me an email, let’s chat.

From one human to the next,

Michelle

Michelle is a recent graduate from William Jessup University where she studied Psychology and Bible & Theology. She is currently the Junior High Director at a church in the Bay Area. She is passionate about people, stories, coffee, Dr.Pepper, and Jesus. To hear more about her adventures with Jesus check out tobefullyalive.wordpress.com.

The first month of summer surprised us.

Waiting for life. Waiting for death.  Living in the paradox.

My sister was expecting her first baby. She was past her due date and we had traveled there anxiously awaiting his arrival.

At the same time, three states away,  my husband’s grandfather was suffering on his deathbed surrounded by his kids, knowing his final breaths on earth were imminent.

The anticipation. The unknown.

Every time the phone buzzed we jumped.

Life and death.

Joy and pain.

Celebration and loss.

Sometimes the two go hand in hand.

“Sorrow and peace shake hands in the corner with laughter, anger and fear. Desire and disappointment often keep company with one another on the bench.” Emily Freeman, author of Simply Tuesday

I sensed my SMALLNESS in God’s grand master-story. I couldn’t control any of the outcomes. I had to trust His sovereignty.

Monday we got a call that grandpa had passed away. At 94 years old, it was expected, but still stung. Just three weeks prior he had been diagnosed with cancer, the same kind that robbed the lives of his two sons the past two summers.  The family had already been dwelling in the land of grief.  Three widows. Nothing at all fair about that.

Monday afternoon I spent time with my sis who still had NO noted progression towards delivering that baby any time soon. I knew we’d need to leave the following afternoon to start our drive to Idaho for grandpa’s funeral. I was hoping to be there to witness the miracle of life  but I knew the chances were slim that he’d come before we needed to leave. Our family gathered around her and prayed for God to bring this baby in His timing . At 9:00 that night I got a text that contractions had started. Miraculous.

Even while I waited in the  labor and delivery waiting room I was reminded of the dualities that dance through the fog. Awaiting the joyous birth announcement,  the television blared the breaking reports of more shootings. More lives STOLEN.  I had to turn my head and walk away multiple times. My soul couldn’t process the horror, the tragedy, the questions, the fears for the next generation of kids who would live here where mass murders and senseless killings are becoming a normal “thing.”

Oh God, have mercy. I’ve never longed for Heaven more.

Simultaneous exhales and inhales.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

^2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,…,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,..

A right time to hold on and another to let go, (Msg)

JOY.  Baby Kayden was born the morning of June 21st. He came naturally, the way his mama had hoped. It was a quick, smooth delivery and even the small prayer I had to be there when he came was granted.  A huge gift to this auntie. It was all such sacred ground – the miracle of life -the perfection of a new little one- we sensed God there.

The birth of a baby boy whose story was just beginning. The possibilities for his life.

And after hugs and happy tears we jumped in the car for a long travel to Idaho to join in the remembrance of a man who lived almost a century of experiences. Our kids asked on the way, “are we going to Idaho for ANOTHER funeral?” Yes. Three years in a row.

My husband was asked to officiate the graveside service. (What words can be said to make sense of the grave losses, and the three widows standing in the wake? Many questions). We saw God’s grace in that grandpa was ready to go. And his sickness and pain had lasted a limited scope of time. For that we were all grateful. The celebration of his life was simple just like he had wanted it to be. And his grandson (my husband) honored him well.

Now I’m home, and I still feel a little conflicted in my soul. A new life has begun and one on earth has ended. The generations continue. There are moments of bliss when I see pictures of baby Kayden on Facebook- the wonder of a new little life and all his firsts. And then, sorrow when more stories are told of the people behind in recent tragedies, or I see chatter among our family who is trying to make sense of loss with three holes in the family picture.

I have no clean, closing thoughts. No verse to put a bow and a lesson on this.

Maybe the lessons will come.

For today, I sit on the bench with joy and sorrow,  peace and uncertainty, with laughter and fear. And I reach out for the hand of the one who is sovereign in it all.