Sometimes our days run one into the other, and before we know it, winter has turned to spring. Our precious children another year older, and we say the time-honored cliché, “Oh, where have the days gone?”
Other moments are forever imprinted on our memories. And we stop. We reflect. We remember. We reminisce our wedding day, the birth of our children, special trips with family. We are nostalgic for first kisses, falling in love, our most embarrassing moments, our first childhood friend.
As we enter into the month of February, my mind goes to that reflection place, to two Februarys ago.
It’s those difficult memories of life’s challenges that define me,
that make my faith strong, that deepen my well of trust in my Father.
And when you get to the other side of something tumultuous, the mundane tasks become something to savor, the sky sunnier, ice cream tastes better, and little moments that before were not even noteworthy, become precious gems in our day to day life.
I don’t always want to think back on the difficult seasons, but for February, it feels significant to remember. To remind myself of the challenge… and the God given victory that followed.
Here’s my story. But first I need to back up a few months before that February. Now at this time I am 18 years as a wife. I am a mom, lover of Jesus, and my blessed husband pastors a church. Needless to say, I am all in for God. Or at least I thought I was. Until God encountered my life and turned me upside down…. or rather, right side up.
It was one of the biggest moments of my life so far, right up there with birthing my precious girls and declaring vows on my wedding day. God fanned the flame of my love and desire for Him that nothing else could satisfy. There just became not enough hours in the day to spend in His presence. Things that seemed like priorities before, dimmed in comparison to worship, prayer and reading the word. I felt like one of those “odd duck” Christians that I couldn’t really relate to before. I did not ask for this. I did not pray for it. I said a simple yes to one convicting thought that was actually quite immature on my part. I said “yes.”
And He changed my life.
And only a few short months later everything fell apart. My husband’s on/off battle with panic disorder came to a raging head. What would normally be a few-hour panic attack, turned into days and then weeks.
Even nights did not bring relief from the fear and panic that I could so clearly see on his face. We prayed hourly. We read scripture. We called the doctor. We stood our ground from the onslaught of the enemy. And no relief came. Only survival. Time stood still. Leaving the house became a chore. Working and ministry ceased.
God knew I needed to be walking in an intimacy with Him like never before in order to bear up under the pressure of it all. That I needed to know His voice in a deep way to lead me through each day as crisis after crisis came barreling at us.
I needed to be anchored in Him to allow me to be the anchor for my husband and my girls.
My husband has always been my rock and the spiritual leader of our home. Those roles became completely reversed, and we entered into a paradigm I had not known before. God knew what I would need in order to carry me through this journey.
There are countless moments of redemption from that season. For the longest time I kept a running list of all the ways God took care of us. The people He put in our path at just the right moment, the endless support of family, friends, and loved ones.
The sweetest redemption of all was how loud God’s voice became in my heart and mind. I did not waiver on what He was asking me to do, simply because I had never heard Him like that before.
Although I barely left my husband’s side those 40 some-odd days, I did attend church. It was my refuge, my place of solace. I’m not sure if God whispered to me first or I told him, but I committed to worshiping Him at the altar until my husband had breakthrough in his fear and anxiety. Every week, for six weeks, completely uncomfortable, I would get out of my seat, kneel at the altar in front of hundreds of people, with tears streaming down my face, and tell Jesus I loved Him, that I would keep loving Him, even though day after day the answer was still no, or wait, or not yet.
At one point I told my husband that we were going to have a worship party when it was all over. And then I heard God say, “Worship me now.” Although I had no clue how that was going to work, I invited some powerful prayer warriors over, not knowing if my husband would even be able to make an appearance.
And that was the day God gave us victory, and Lance started to improve. That was the weekend he was able to return to church to preach. That was the beginning of the end of the 40 some-odd days of shear terror for my husband.
It’s not easy to worship God in the storm. I would like to think I would have, regardless of what God had done in my heart only a few months before. There is a part of me though that doubts, a big part.
God knows what we need. He knows what is necessary to prepare us for every valley and mountaintop.
He knows the next chapter. He knows the refining process to put you right in position for your calling. He knows what we need to obtain before that next journey and every “y” in the road. He knows because He is the potter and we are the clay. He knows!!
Whatever you are facing today, I encourage you to worship in the storm and watch the raging, storming seas turn into dry land!
–Suzi
Suzi has been partnering with her husband, Pastor Lance Hahn in building Bridgeway Christian Church in Rocklin, CA since 1998. She is a woman of wisdom with a passion for prayer and encouraging the Body of Christ. She is the mother of two girls, ages 15 and 11 and enjoys speaking about practical help for real life. Recent doors have opened for ministry through writing devotionals, blogs and encouragements online. She is devoted to spending her life pursuing God and lifting up those around her.
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