Category: Identity (Page 1 of 2)

“I’m so tired of being broken!”

I had HAD it.  I was so tired of everything falling apart around me.  I would read my Bible and yet I was still anxious.  I would nurture my marriage and yet we would still experience conflict.  I would pray for healing and yet I was still failing.  And it was one of those weeks where everyone around me seemed to have their lives together.  Their marriage? Healthy and easy.  Their faith? Strong and confident.  Their work? Fulfilling.  Their life? Golden.

Why couldn’t I just be a put together, already faithful, trusting and selfless woman of God?

I was talking with my husband on the phone, and to be honest I was just complaining.  She had this and that.  Her faith never ceases.  They are such good parents.  Why can’t I be a better person?  Why am I so messy? Why does it always feel like God is stretching me and growing me? I just want a break.

And that’s when, before I could stop it, exclaimed my frustration and exhaustion with being broken all the time.

I silenced myself.  I had to really stop and think about what had just come out of my heart.  What did I mean by that?  I was tired of being broken.  I finished the phone call without really understanding what I had just discovered about myself.  

The week went on and I routinely did all the things I thought would make me feel better about myself- read the devotions, listen to worship music, ask for forgiveness over and over and of course just try harder to not be broken. I had chosen to ignore my earlier explosion and was back to avoiding my brokenness.

Have you ever tried to hide and cover up your weaknesses?  Like Adam and Eve in the garden grabbing flimsy leaves to cover up what could only be clothed by the blood of a Savior’s sacrifice?  Maybe you hide your weakness by not telling anyone. Maybe you hide them with just trying harder, like me.  But God is a relentless and pursuing lover so He gently laid on my heart, “Daughter, why does it matter?”

Let me explain.  See, I love sharing my struggles; and I think I always thought it was because I wanted to encourage others. And it absolutely is!  But God revealed to me that there is a part of me that shares my weaknesses in hope that others will share too- so that I don’t have to be broken alone.  Misery loves company right?  But as I shared with people who really just didn’t struggle like me I found myself getting frustrated.  

It wasn’t until God pulled me aside like a little child and whispered to my soul that I didn’t need any excuses for my brokenness.  “I know you are broken”, He says, “and that’s exactly how I want you. My grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made perfect in your weakness.”  

Why did I hate my weakness so much?  Why did I run from being broken?  

I was scrolling through Pinterest and came across this picture.

I set it as my wallpaper having no idea it would become my new anthem.  Grow in grace.  I began praying that God would help me to grow in grace for others.  Quickly I realized that He wanted me to grow in grace for myself.  

“Give yourself grace, little one.   It’s ok that you are broken.  You are not less than if you are struggling.  Like a cracked pot, I shine my Light through your flaws.”

I was reading a friend’s article  and his perspective stuck with me;

“It’s about messing up and repenting, matching our steps up with His to jump back in.  It’s the experience of God’s holiness in us and our agreement to express His holiness through us.”

What if in this state of brokenness we are exactly where we are suppose to be?  What if sanctification is actually the art of accepting our brokenness and realizing that we need help?  And praise God the help we need comes from His loving, gracious Hands!

Let’s learn to EMBRACE our brokenness. To truly listen when Jesus says, “You are enough.  You are ok.”  To not be ashamed with our struggles but to view them as a reminder of our need.  To be proud of our scars and our cracks, because we are proud of our Jesus shining through them.  To grow in grace, and grow in brokenness as Jesus grows in us.  

–Sophie

I think I was born with an irregular heartbeat. Doctors didn’t diagnose me with that, but I seem to have this rapidly moving clock ticking inside me that seems to tick quicker and louder for me than for others.

Here’s the thing. I like being PRO-DUC-TIVE.

What I can accomplish in one hour of un-interrupted time is astounding…and I take pride in listing off all the ways I was “productive” when my husband asks about my day across the dinner table.

But the problem I keep running in to is this: I struggle with ever slowing down the hustle.

There’s always more.

The kids were off school for 3 weeks and my professor husband and I were off too. ( I know… a luxury). And truthfully, I probably actually “rested” like 4 out of 21  days. I ALMOST finished ONE short book, stayed in my pajama/workout clothes until lunch a couple days, and put off laundry for at least three. And then for some reason like a little white plastic kitchen timer, this last week my clock DINGED and I was off again to the races.

“Do the hustle….da,da,da, da,”- I can hear the song, can’t you?

But for me, that hustle melody sounds a lot less peppy and chicken-danceish, and much more melancholy and minor.

It sounds like overcommitting myself, and underestimating how much TIME something is gonna take, and being 15 minutes late (AGAIN).

It sounds like a rush of wind, and slamming cabinets, and objects dropping on the floor.

It sounds like four mostly-done projects and forgetting an important ingredient in that recipe because I’m multi-tasking.

It sounds like me running around like a chicken with my head cut off…. Always a counter to wipe, a piece of clothing to fold, an “urgent” text or email to send, and a “I only-half-listened to you because my mind is a hundred-other- places” response.

It sounds like me speed walking ahead of instead of along-side people.

I see it and I don’t like it, but with all the responsibilities of momhood, and jobhood, and wifehood, and friendhood, and ministryhood I don’t totally know how to stop the hustle inside of me.

Faster, faster, more, more.

Disappointment at the end of the day about what I didn’t accomplish instead of treasuring sacred moments that actually did happen.

I sat down tonight (for the first time in umm….10 hours) and opened a real- life book to try to downshift my heart. I turned  to this two-page chapter that completely floored me. “Learning to play” and that author Shauna Niequist saw right into my heart…

“It’s that for all sorts of reasons

I default to HUSTLE mode all too often

And so one of the tiny little things I’m learning to do is to play-

essentially to purposely WASTE time.

Strategically avoid strategy, for five minutes at a time.

Intentionally not be intentional about every second.

Have no purpose-on purpose.”

This may sound ridiculous to you who actually know how to sit on the couch for longer than 30 minutes without feeling guilty. Those who are running through the house with your kids playing hide-n-seek. Those who have trouble getting out of their pajamas on vacations or waiting one more day to shower.

I’m married to one of you.

And though you bother me (especially when you see my frantic pace and comment, “busy…busy…busy”). I hear you, and it’s true.

 Now, don’t get me wrong there is something to be said for a basket of clean, folded clothes, and a house put in order, and tasks completed responsibly. But there’s also something to be said for being fully present and learning to rest.

There’s that overused Bible story of Mary and Martha;  I feel like I gotta stand up for Martha who is the only one DOING anything around that house – preparing for these people. Luke says. “She was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made…” Yep. Distracted by stuff to be done.  Umm…can you relate?

Martha speaks up… “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself?” Oh..I can camp out on that martyr plea too. “Join me in my hustle, would ya? There are things to be done here! ” But Jesus answers her (and us) gently…”You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is BETTER and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke. 10:39-41).

Sister Mary chose to sit at Jesus’ feet to listen, and look eyeball- to- eyeball, while Martha clanked and buzzed around the kitchen. Mary: fully present. Soul rest. Simplicity. Savoring, slowing, playing. “Making the most of every opportunity” realizing our days are fleeting. I know I’ve gotta care for our home, and be responsible, but I also want to learn the art of SLOWING down the HUSTLE.

Morbid thought:  no one is gonna talk about my productivity at my funeral. They will talk about my character and how I loved.

It is very much a perspective thing. So today, fellow hustlers… let’s breathe.  Picture Mary. Sit for a bit and show up for our lives with our people, so we don’t miss the BETTER while we’re in the hustle.

–Alyssa