This year hasn’t been a particularly wonderful one for me. In fact, to be totally transparent, I have been referring to it as the year of death for us. With the loss of three close and loved family members, all to cancer, death has been a close acquaintance in 2014. Sorrow has cloaked me, cloaked my husband, cloaked my kids as we waded through the waters of loss.
And major loss came in other forms as well. The death of a dream came in the blow of being asked to resign from our dearly loved church. The loss of stability, of hopes, of community has rocked my little family to its core.
This year has been rough. Full of heartache. Riddled with tears and grief. The year of death.
So when the advent season came upon us, feelings of Christmas cheer were not naturally present. In fact, I found myself wishing we could just skip this one.
I did my best to dig deep and muster the feelings of good will. I tried to create Christmas atmosphere in my home. In fact, I broke that ‘sacred-to-some’ rule about no Christmas before Thanksgiving, and fully decorated my house early! The tree was up, the halls were decked, and the nativity on display. All in hope that we could generate some joy…some relief…some Christmas peace.
I told myself that I was trying for my kids sake. They were hurting, and needed the hope and joy that Christmas brings.
But Christmas doesn’t bring those things.
I can’t create an atmosphere that brings those things.
Even the nativity scene doesn’t bring those things.
There is only ONE who brings those.
Christ.
Christ WITH us.
Emmanuel.
Not only the first Christmas story, but the everlasting Christmas reality.
Christ is WITH us.
No amount of Christmas traditions, trimmed trees, treats, or carols can sweep out the loss and pain from my house. No amount of wrapped presents under our tree can replace what is missing. No amount of Christmas fun can heal our broken hearts or stifle the fear of our unknown future.
But ONE can. Christ. Not Christ seated in Heaven, although He is. Not Christ in our bible stories, although He was. But Christ WITH us. In our midst. In our loss, in our hurts, in our ‘messy stables’.
That’s when I realized, I was trying to take care of my loss on my own. In my own power. And I was failing. I was trying to usher in the Christmas spirit when I really needed to usher in the ONE who can heal our spirits.
So instead, I bow my heart just like those shepherds so long ago, and ask Him to come. To come again for me. I need this Christmas to not just be a remembrance of Him coming to a stable so long ago, which He did. This Christmas I need Him to come to me. Right now in my own messy heart. My messy life. I need Him to come gently and lovingly, as in that first holy night, and fill my life with Hope.
With Peace.
With Joy.
I need Christmas more than ever this year. Not the red and green one with mistletoe and holly, but the one in which He comes to my messy stable and saves me all over again.
And once I realize that and ask, sorrow and loss have no place here. I look at my decorated tree and ask Him to come. I wrap up presents and ask Him to come.
As my kids count down the days filled with great anticipation, I daily count on Him to fill me with a holy saturation. And He does. He has invaded our home and filled us with hope.
Friends love us well and we see Him. Anonymous envelopes of money mysteriously show up to help us, and we see Him. Happy memories are remembered and we see Him. He has COME!!
Joy settles on all of us. I’m beside myself with peace, Christmas really is here! For us and for you…Our Messiah has come, Christ is here!
-Kallie
Kallie,
Thanks for bearing your heart and soul in this post. I too have been aching for friends out of work, friends struggling with loss, and grappling with anxiety that comes with the holidays. May God bless you and draw near as you recognize your need – the same need we all collectively share – for Christ himself to draw near to us.
–Lauren
Thank you Lauren!
Oh sweet Kallie! You & your precious family are in our prayers❤️I lovingly refer to this year as the ‘faith building year’, there were MANY times our faith was built up through LOTS of hardship. However, with each tragedy/problem/hurt Christ was & is WITH us. Praying you feel his peace & joy my friend. That you would be filled up and over flowing with the JOY of our Jesus
My sweet Kallie! I miss you! I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this trial right now:(. You are a strong woman of faith and I know you will come out of the darkness with His shinning light. I miss talking with you and working on projects. We need to catch up soon!! Call me when you get a chance. Not sure if you have the same number?? Enjoy yor little ones. Merry Christmas! PS Also need your new address. 🙂
Thank you Kim! I miss you too!
Amber, those ‘faith building years’ are exhausting! Praying for you as well!
Oh Kallie,
Your post just brought me I tears. I have been so miserable and heartbroken this year. Your term the “Year of Death” rings so true in my ears. At times, I didn’t even want to celebrate and I knew my kids didn’t want to celebrate either. Last night, the kids and I just cried and talked about our anger and sadness. I can’t shake all of the loss from my heart or my family. I’ve been trying so hard to make them all feel better, but I can’t. So I needed those words. I needed to be reminded who holds my hope, because Christmas just isn’t doing it.
Love you and your precious family. Thinking of you and wishing a brighter year in 2015. <3
Stacie! Oh how I miss you…we will make it sister!I’m so glad that my words could be used to encourage, love you!
Kallie
I missed this one and just reading it. I have been encouraged lately by knowing that GOD MAKES ALL THINGS WORK FOR GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM and you do. So this is the hope that we have that when we pray, he hears us. Faith is the substance of things hoped for at not yet seen. I hope we all continue to have faith that God is working our crises(many crisis) for good even when we cannot comprehend what he is doing. Hope you survived Chrismas