Grow in grace

“I’m so tired of being broken!”

I had HAD it.  I was so tired of everything falling apart around me.  I would read my Bible and yet I was still anxious.  I would nurture my marriage and yet we would still experience conflict.  I would pray for healing and yet I was still failing.  And it was one of those weeks where everyone around me seemed to have their lives together.  Their marriage? Healthy and easy.  Their faith? Strong and confident.  Their work? Fulfilling.  Their life? Golden.

Why couldn’t I just be a put together, already faithful, trusting and selfless woman of God?

I was talking with my husband on the phone, and to be honest I was just complaining.  She had this and that.  Her faith never ceases.  They are such good parents.  Why can’t I be a better person?  Why am I so messy? Why does it always feel like God is stretching me and growing me? I just want a break.

And that’s when, before I could stop it, exclaimed my frustration and exhaustion with being broken all the time.

I silenced myself.  I had to really stop and think about what had just come out of my heart.  What did I mean by that?  I was tired of being broken.  I finished the phone call without really understanding what I had just discovered about myself.  

The week went on and I routinely did all the things I thought would make me feel better about myself- read the devotions, listen to worship music, ask for forgiveness over and over and of course just try harder to not be broken. I had chosen to ignore my earlier explosion and was back to avoiding my brokenness.

Have you ever tried to hide and cover up your weaknesses?  Like Adam and Eve in the garden grabbing flimsy leaves to cover up what could only be clothed by the blood of a Savior’s sacrifice?  Maybe you hide your weakness by not telling anyone. Maybe you hide them with just trying harder, like me.  But God is a relentless and pursuing lover so He gently laid on my heart, “Daughter, why does it matter?”

Let me explain.  See, I love sharing my struggles; and I think I always thought it was because I wanted to encourage others. And it absolutely is!  But God revealed to me that there is a part of me that shares my weaknesses in hope that others will share too- so that I don’t have to be broken alone.  Misery loves company right?  But as I shared with people who really just didn’t struggle like me I found myself getting frustrated.  

It wasn’t until God pulled me aside like a little child and whispered to my soul that I didn’t need any excuses for my brokenness.  “I know you are broken”, He says, “and that’s exactly how I want you. My grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made perfect in your weakness.”  

Why did I hate my weakness so much?  Why did I run from being broken?  

I was scrolling through Pinterest and came across this picture.

I set it as my wallpaper having no idea it would become my new anthem.  Grow in grace.  I began praying that God would help me to grow in grace for others.  Quickly I realized that He wanted me to grow in grace for myself.  

“Give yourself grace, little one.   It’s ok that you are broken.  You are not less than if you are struggling.  Like a cracked pot, I shine my Light through your flaws.”

I was reading a friend’s article  and his perspective stuck with me;

“It’s about messing up and repenting, matching our steps up with His to jump back in.  It’s the experience of God’s holiness in us and our agreement to express His holiness through us.”

What if in this state of brokenness we are exactly where we are suppose to be?  What if sanctification is actually the art of accepting our brokenness and realizing that we need help?  And praise God the help we need comes from His loving, gracious Hands!

Let’s learn to EMBRACE our brokenness. To truly listen when Jesus says, “You are enough.  You are ok.”  To not be ashamed with our struggles but to view them as a reminder of our need.  To be proud of our scars and our cracks, because we are proud of our Jesus shining through them.  To grow in grace, and grow in brokenness as Jesus grows in us.  

–Sophie